My attempt at blogging

So it goes. Closing in on hour 6 of duty and of course, it blows.  I lost my f-ing ID cuz I’m an idiot so that was not fun being on duty without an idiot. I ended up using one of my resident’s IDs and N’s ID later. 

D visited last night.  First time we’ve hung out since last semester and even before then, all the times we had were always lackluster in comparison to our times together during the summer.  Last night was more so weird due to the fact that I’m 99% sure he was trying to get closer and closer to me and try and kiss me.  To be honest, I really just want to rub it in his fucking face and not even as much entertain the idea of that happening again. Frankly, I am just now getting over him and not to mention I’m practically with N, so that’s completely out of the question.  And plus, I really really really want to make him feel like an idiot for not wanting me. Spiteful? Sure. But very warranted.

I’ve been spending the afternoon quarentined in my room until I found the temporary ID’s for my building. Thankfully, I found at least one! Now I can enjoy a fine cigarette outside and watch the day transpire the way I normally do. My duty partner is at the hospital with her sister which is really sucky :-/.  At least it’s been very quiet and nothing outside of normal dorm-fuckery has happened today/last night.

I’m starting to feel weird about the N situation.  I really like him, trust me. But it’s so difficult being with someone who is equally as ‘romantically stoic’.  It’s so hot and cold with him I just don’t know how to act.  Sure, this is what I asked for. I didn’t want the relationship I had with J —super serious, always together and engulfed with love and affection 24/7 — but nonetheless, a happy medium would be greatly appreciated.  I just can’t do relationships or dating ever! I think I’m just bound to be a spinster for the rest of my life. Although being a success, corporate lawyer with the freedom of traveling and having a nicely preserved-no kid body is very attractive….

Typical day of a college senior. My constitutional law class is so incredibly dry but so interesting. The Jesuit priest I have as a professor has law degrees from OXFORD AND YALE. WTF. Ridiculous. 

Anyway, it’s Thursday, which for me means my weekend is about to begin.  I’m starting to freak a little knowing that I graduate in 3 months and lack as much ambition as I should have in regard to finding a job or even where I’ll be leaving after May hits. And personally, I  don’t even care, tbh.  My entire, yet short, adult life has been filled with hyper-structure (military and overly enthusiastic parents), for once in my life I would like to enjoy something; something wild; something fun; something that doesn’t require planning.  I am always the girl who has a 5-year plan for a her 5-year plan….is that really a life?  I have no doubt in my mind that I will succeed, but how wrong is it to just sit back and enjoy the ride of life for once? 

Not to mention the woes in my current ‘love-life’ if you can even call it that. I love awkwardly juggling my current love interest with my previous one (or possible future mate). Ugh. I just can’t do relationships. Why can’t people just live no stings attached through life?

Oh, and I’ve lost 10 pounds since the beginning of August which is great!!! If I can actually get my ass in gear, I’d like to lose like another 25ish. :]

Oh and last thing, EVERYONE needs to see this film “Forks over Knives”…so good and informative. Definitely life changing!

I feel like I’ve been failing miserably at this whole blogging thing. I told myself I would try to, to at least document my last year of college and a very important/busy year in my life, but alas.  Oh well, I guess I’ll try to stick with it and update every time I’m at work. 

Well, seeing as which my last post was the first day RA training (august 5thish) there’s been so much going on that I don’t even know if it worth it to update from then to now.

Well, I did see the CSO perform the music from the Lord of The Rings, which was fucking amazing.

Went on some dates, did some things here and there and that’s pretty much it there.

School has started and oddly enough, it hasn’t been a struggle yet thankfully.  I have a crazy Tuesday/Thursday schedule which kinda sucks…especially since I have duty on Thursday nights but otherwise class has been ok.

The RA job has its ups and downs but it really hasn’t been too bad for me.  My residents got pretty crazy this past weekend and I’m sure they got in trouble for drinking but I can’t do anything about that.

This entire weekend i spent with Jeff. Something I didn’t plan on but it was fun anyway.  I can’t decided how to treat our situation since we really aren’t together technically, nor am I ready to be that tied up in something again, but it’s just a complicated thing. When we’re together, we act like we’re dating again but we’re still ‘open’ to going on dates with other people; although I feel like the more he’s around me, the more he feels inclined to not see other people.  I think we need to commit to seeing each other less, which never works between us sadly.  He’s my best friend and sometimes, seeing him isn’t just for the bf/gf aspect, but it’s just nice have some type of support system outside of myself.

Siiigh I just hope this week goes by fast. I have a practice LSAT this saturday and I’m praying to do well enough that I won’t need to take the classes but I can study on my own. If I get a 150~ on the practice, I’d be very happy. 

Lastly, I didn’t get to see my mom this weekend which sucks because she’s recovering from a hysterectomy :-/.  I mean it would’ve been nice to see her but it will be better to see her when she’s not seriously bed ridden. 

Well, I think that’s up for updates. I’ll try to keep up with this for real this time!

Today was decently relaxing. I tried to unpack my stuff more but I keep feeling like the more I unpack, the worse and more messy my little room becomes.  I really tried to start my Spanish essay, but to no avail.  Met up with a friend and ate jimmy john’s and went to his RA room and after wasting a bunch of time it was already 4 so I took a nap and then at 5 I met up with my staff members to eat dinner.  Dinner wasn’t so bad, but it was still kinda awkward because I don’t warm up to people too easily but I knew at least one person there beforehand [who actually ended up being my mentor] so that made it easier. After dinner, we went to another hall to get butcher paper to put on our bulletin boards (something I’m still confused about) but I’m sure the explanation is forthcoming. Thankfully, my RD let us go for an hour and a half before the full staff ice cream social and of course, I came back and I took a nap lol.  Afterwards, I woke up, took some allergy meds because my face has been leaking and my sinues have been soooooooooooo bad, then we met up again and walked to the social.  The ice cream social was kinda lame, but I ended up bonding with one the girls who’s a RA in the dorm across from me and that made things a lot better.  Our ice breaker for the night was this weird macroversion of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’.  It was weird and kinda pointless. Then we had a ‘mingle’ hour, which was also weird, lol.  We got let out after that thank god, then we walked back and I met a girl who’s dating a guy a know through DJ and Pat. So I’m slowly meeting people, but it’s gonna be a long year. Not to mention that 98% of the RA guys are gay, not that that matters, but it’s kinda odd.

Tomorrow is our service project and we have to leave at 8am!!!! I think we’re gardening or cleaning up some park until the afternoon so idk how thats gonna work but I guess it’ll be alright.  I should go to bed since I have to be up at 7am but I just can’t sleep. It’s a Friday night and I want to just chill and drink but I guess that’s not happening.

Well, until tomorrow.

Ok, first I must annouce that since I last officially weighed myself (we’ll use May since it was military), in which case I was 184, I weighed myself this morning and I’m 177. Whooooooooo. 7lbs may not seem like alot but just seeing some progress is better than nothing. Hopefully I can lose another 7-10 by the end of august or try to get to 168 by the start of school-ish.  Seeing the numbers makes it easier to motivate myself to not be a fat ass lol. And oddly enough, I’ve been drinking at least 2-3 days a week and not eating at home. I’m sure moving furniture helped a lot and also, I’ve picked up smoking again and I’m sure that has been doing something too.

I’m about 85% moved into my dorm room and now the whole RA thing is becoming more scary and real.  Thankfully, I have cable TV so that makes life sooooo much better :P.  I really wish that I could’ve gone to Lolla, but hopefully Kanye will be there next year :].  

All in all, I feel better than I did the other day.  The world isn’t crashing down anymore. I talked to my mom and she seems to be doing well. Her surgery is on sept. 6, so I hope to be able to make it.  Tyler’s 18th birthday was yesterday and I can’t believe my sister is legal. It feels so weird! But I doubt i’ll be able to see her as an adult anytime soon, lol.  

Went to dinner with David and I enjoyed a delicious blue moon and a salad and then we got ice cream. I’m gonna miss times like that. :-/ 

Red line tap was decent last night. Spanish class beforehand was painfully boring but thankfully theres only 2 classes left, and I got a 89% on my mid term wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I need a ‘B’ or ‘B-’ in the class to keep my scholarship! So after that I went to RLT and met up with DJ and some other people. And after a few beers, it was fun, lol. I met 2 cool people while I was outside smoking and that cheered me up cuz before I had THE WORST migrane. Oh, and, 3 random black guys were practically following me when I was on my way to the bar and it sincerly scared me.  I love to dress up and look good, but not at the expense of my personal safety.  

Well, back to faking paying attention in history class. I hope I make it back for at least some of JERSEY SHORE!!!!!!!!!

I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday and I’m very close to having an emotional breakdown.  I just haven’t been able to handle things in my personal life not to mention schoolwork and fucking moving up north to Loyola. I’m normally an emotional person but everyday since the weekend I have been on the verge of crying or going manic on someone.  I doubt that anyone even wants to hangout with me because I’ve just been so crazy and inconsistent and honestly, I don’t blame them.  I can’t focus on one thing anymore since the end of July.  I hate the fact that theres someone who’s acting completely weird around me know and that truly has been causing a great part of my irritability.  It’s like everything I had, known and was used to changed overnight and I can’t pick myself up from that for some reason.  I’ve just been feeling unhappy, super sad, stagnated, awkward, pressured, and a bunch of other adjectives.  I’m more so worried because my RA job starts Friday and I’m gonna have to be cheery and smiley and motivated and that is just not me right now.  I just need an escape from everyone who let me down recently. I definitely need to get out of Jeff’s studio because it’s driving me crazy being in such a small area packed with my entire life in boxes.  

For so long I was guarded and the second moment I let a part of me be exposed, I completely regret it.  I’ve just come to the conclusion that being guarded is easier for me and I’m habituated by my guarded-ness. And maybe I’ll just remain this way because I doubt people expect anything else from me, nor do they want anything else. 

I just need to lock myself into a room and cry and drink wine and sleep forever.

I haven’t updated in quite a while mostly because I’ve been crazy busy and not by my computer a lot [which btw, it fucking died AGAIN]. So, yeah, I haven’t been too motivated to write since I’m still trying to get my ass in line so I can move.  I had drill this past weekend, not to mention I had midterms for my history and Spanish lit class siiiiiiiiiiiigh, I can’t wait til summer school is over but just as soon as school is over, regular school will start up again. I can’t believe this is my last semester in undergrad!!!!! I’m excited and scared but I just can’t wait to be done. I’m more sad that the friends I made this summer will be going away for good and moving on with their lives as I planned to as well.  

I suppose the most important and scariest thing going on deals with my mom.  Not too long after her birthday, she had an ovarian cyst rupture and since then things have been getting kinda rocky.  Essentially, she’ll need to have a hysterectomy very soon to stop the internal bleeding and other things going on. It’s more scary since she’s only 43 and I’m nervous since I have RA training starting all this month and I won’t be able to help them out as much and all that stuff. It’s just really stressful.

Outside of that, I’ve mainly been spending a lot of time in Roger’s Park with friends, and consequently, going to bed at 4am and waking up at 9am. Not cool.  Same thing happened yesterday and I was fucking dead when I got home almost 29 hours later! I was losing shit left and right today and I just couldnt keep it together, lol.  On the plus side, I bought a cute [pink] coffee maker and I had brunch with Jeff and hung out with other people, then Kaitlin came over and afterwards I went out with Andrew to pompeii which was fucking delicious!  Now I’m here, unmotivated to pack any of my shit lol.  A repairman is coming tomorrow at 10am so I am so not feeling that.  I guess I’m gonna do it like I do everything and wait til the last minute to get shit done :-/.  

I also need to mention that I just got a Spotify account and it’s the shittttttttttt!! It’s so cool and i feel so exclusive, haha.  Not to mention Andrew just made me a dubstep/nirvana/dance mix so I’m excited. Also, the weather isn’t fucking horrible right now so I’m a happy camper!  I’m sure I’m gonna go to Red Line Tap tomorrow night with everyone, but I’m not sure how the weather will be. Siiiigh. Time is running out and I still wanna hang out with friends. So frustrating!!!  Well, let’s just try to make the best of the rest of the summer, and the rest of the year.

Actually, no, I’m not, lol. But I feel like it right now. I was an hour late to my LAST DAY AT WORK. This is something no person of color should ever partake in, haha. Anyway, last night was an interesting night.  Spanish class kinda sucked because I had a presentation and I was SO SO SO nervous but towards the end my and partner and I made the class and teacher laugh a bit so I hope that worked in our favor.  Afterwards, I went to BJ, DJ and Pat’s place because Wednesday’s are “$1 MGD” at Red Line Tap and I had to wait for them to finish their stupid poker game. BJ and I talked for a while until most of them decided to leave, and to be honest, I don’t really like 96% of the people there, so I like to just hang out with DJ when we go out to drink. Anyway, long story short, I completely snapped hardcore on him because of something stupid he did and then we had a lack of communication. I almost left but thankfully things turned around and we went to RLT.  We get there and it’s dubstep/techno night. Not feeling it, but a few beers later it was great. I might a hot Cuban guy named Louis. So that was fun too, haha.

Well, I’m pretty fucking sure I’m gonna leave work early cuz I am a useless POS here and I feel like my brain is rotting every time I come in. Most of the people here are ridiculously incompotent, rude, or ignorant. So the break from here will be well welcomed and deserved. 

Oh, and Jeff got the apartment! Very exciting. Now I have a place to live until my life becomes completely devoted to being an RA…..wonderful. 

Off to Jimmy John’s ….!!! I know, SHOCKER!

Love isn’t supposed to hurt but because we’re human we give into the human fallacies…the good in any relationship is supposed to out-weigh the bad. you will have the bad times (I guarantee you will have them but it is how we handle those hard times that will determine how you handle the good times; Never give up on love.